Lets face it, most of us men think of ourselves as gifted lovers who only take small, but necessary breaks from the rigors of sex in order to earn a living or catch a ballgame. We are all sex gods, knowledgeable in ancient sexual techniques that get women so aroused just the sight of us will send them into hours of sexual ecstasy. Of course, we also believe we buy Hustler only to make a statement about free speech. The truth is, most men spend more time talking about sex than engaging in it (with the possible exception of phone sex, when both occur simultaneously), and even fewer of us know the first thing about the subject. Would you like to prove you actually have the knowledge to match your ego? Just take this test:
1) The true definition of safe sex is:
A) Using a condom.
B) Having your penis laminated.
C) Dating only Janet Reno look-a-likes.
D) Rigging your waterbed with a padded headboard that serves as a flotation device (in the unlikely event of a water landing).
2) Your woman believes an enormous penis to be:
A) Very important.
B) Similar to the Loch Ness Monster; an unproven legend she believes resides deep inside some foreign body.
C) Only important in the event the Energizer Bunny stops pounding away.
D) Her preferred method for scratching a tickle in her throat, but she has switched to cough drops since meeting you.
3) The biggest myth about sex is:
A) Masturbation will make you blind.
B) (Read B again).
C) People who write sex quizzes are not sexually gifted.
D) You might actually get to experience it some day.
4) Women think that a man with huge hands:
A) Has a great chance of being picked up when hitchhiking.
B) Always gets caught in the cookie jar.
C) Never fails to start the "wave" at sporting events.
D) All of the below.
5) Your penis is so small:
A) Your condoms are often mistaken for thimbles.
B) Whenever a woman sees it, you try to convince her you used to date Lorena Bobbit.
C) You joined a coed nude water polo league hoping the icy water might help when the women compared you to the other men.
D) You pray America will switch to the metric system so you can say it's a "6."
6) Women prefer that sex be:
A) Slow and passionate.
B) Fast and rough.
C) With anyone but you.
D) All of the above.
7) The quickest way to tell if a man is lousy in bed:
A) They ask if you believe that it is possible for a woman to enjoy sex.
B) When they hear the term "French tickler," they ask what it is called if they do not speak French.
C) They call the cleaners to order G-Spot remover.
D) They take "sexual knowledge" quizzes.
8) The most popular sexual position is:
C) Doggie style.
9) What is the best use for baby oil?
A) You mix it with vinegar and use it as a dressing on salads when the vegetables aren't ripe yet.
B) To silence all those annoying squeaky babies.
C) During daytime sex when the woman will actually see your face and need desperate help to become wet.
D) It should never be used because too many babies must be squeezed in order to get just one bottle.
10) It's always best to buy extra pairs of edible panties:
A) So you will have a snack for the drive home.
B) To hand out to the hot little 4-year-olds in your neighborhood when they say "trick or treat."
C) It is?
D) Mom always warned you to wear clean ones in case you are ever in an accident.
11) A guaranteed way to reach orgasm in under 10 seconds is:
A) Do what you always do.
B) Refer to answer A.
12) The thing that makes the average male incredibly horny is:
A) A sheep dressed by Frederick's of Hooterville.
C) Going without sex for 6-8 minutes.
D) Being in an oxygen tent with a sheep dressed by Frederick's of Hooterville that you haven't had sex with for 6- 8 minutes.
A = 5 points
B = 1.377 points
C =subtract 2.11 points
D = 0 points
E = 2,500 points
If You Scored:
Between -27.43 and +2,560 points:
You have too much free time. Stop taking sex quizzes and go find a friend other than your right hand.