Friday, October 5, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
A laugh
Hurts
Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero.
The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU FUCKERS!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
A laugh
Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored. He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress.."
"Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.
A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope ... "
"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.
"Look, how about sex. Can I talk sex?"
"Sure."
"Then fuck you."
Sunday, September 30, 2012
A laugh
A young woman went to an evening class to improve her sexual capabilities. When she gets there, she sees an apple, an orange and a pear hanging on strings from the ceiling, and a piece of chalk and a black-board. "What is all this for?" she asked.
The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit, and she does. "Now," said the instructor, "swing your hips to the left and touch the apple, now swing your hips to the right and touch the pear, then swing your hips forward and touch the orange."
The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets a good rhythm going. "This is great," she said enthusiastically "but what is the chalk for?"
"When you've got the hang of the fruit," said the instructor, "I want you to stick the chalk up your ass and write 'Mississippi' on the black-board twenty times."
Friday, September 28, 2012
The Classy Whore
The chocolates arrived with out a card. The giant teddy bear was delivered with a big red bow. Then he showed up with two dozen American red beauties. I love it when a man knows just the right things to get my attention! Our table at the restaurant was in the corner with just the right lighting. I slipped my hand under the table and found his cock. Then I slipped down under the table and began sucking his cock hard. The waiter came and my date ordered our food with a cough and grin. I finished my appetizer quickly and found my seat again. I pulled my mirror compact out to check my lipstick. With a grin I licked the last drop of his cum off my chin. When a man knows how to treat me like a lady.....I show him a classy whore.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
A laugh
Every Time
A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre screening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.
"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.
Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."
Monday, September 24, 2012
A cute joke
The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."
Not a woman stirred.
The priest said, "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins."
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? This is an order from the Almighty: Let all virgins stand!"
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, "Young woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."
And the young lady answered indignantly, "Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"
A cute sex quiz
Lets face it, most of us men think of ourselves as gifted lovers who only take small, but necessary breaks from the rigors of sex in order to earn a living or catch a ballgame. We are all sex gods, knowledgeable in ancient sexual techniques that get women so aroused just the sight of us will send them into hours of sexual ecstasy. Of course, we also believe we buy Hustler only to make a statement about free speech.
The truth is, most men spend more time talking about sex than engaging in it (with the possible exception of phone sex, when both occur simultaneously), and even fewer of us know the first thing about the subject.
Would you like to prove you actually have the knowledge to match your ego? Just take this test:
1) The true definition of safe sex is:
A) Using a condom.
B) Having your penis laminated.
C) Dating only Janet Reno look-a-likes.
D) Rigging your waterbed with a padded headboard that serves as a flotation device (in the unlikely event of a water landing).
2) Your woman believes an enormous penis to be:
A) Very important.
B) Similar to the Loch Ness Monster; an unproven legend she believes resides deep inside some foreign body.
C) Only important in the event the Energizer Bunny stops pounding away.
D) Her preferred method for scratching a tickle in her throat, but she has switched to cough drops since meeting you.
3) The biggest myth about sex is:
A) Masturbation will make you blind.
B) (Read B again).
C) People who write sex quizzes are not sexually gifted.
D) You might actually get to experience it some day.
4) Women think that a man with huge hands:
A) Has a great chance of being picked up when hitchhiking.
B) Always gets caught in the cookie jar.
C) Never fails to start the "wave" at sporting events.
D) All of the below.
5) Your penis is so small:
A) Your condoms are often mistaken for thimbles.
B) Whenever a woman sees it, you try to convince her you used to date Lorena Bobbit.
C) You joined a coed nude water polo league hoping the icy water might help when the women compared you to the other men.
D) You pray America will switch to the metric system so you can say it's a "6."
6) Women prefer that sex be:
A) Slow and passionate.
B) Fast and rough.
C) With anyone but you.
D) All of the above.
7) The quickest way to tell if a man is lousy in bed:
A) They ask if you believe that it is possible for a woman to enjoy sex.
B) When they hear the term "French tickler," they ask what it is called if they do not speak French.
C) They call the cleaners to order G-Spot remover.
D) They take "sexual knowledge" quizzes.
8) The most popular sexual position is:
A) Missionary.
B) "69."
C) Doggie style.
D) Quarterback.
9) What is the best use for baby oil?
A) You mix it with vinegar and use it as a dressing on salads when the vegetables aren't ripe yet.
B) To silence all those annoying squeaky babies.
C) During daytime sex when the woman will actually see your face and need desperate help to become wet.
D) It should never be used because too many babies must be squeezed in order to get just one bottle.
10) It's always best to buy extra pairs of edible panties:
A) So you will have a snack for the drive home.
B) To hand out to the hot little 4-year-olds in your neighborhood when they say "trick or treat."
C) It is?
D) Mom always warned you to wear clean ones in case you are ever in an accident.
11) A guaranteed way to reach orgasm in under 10 seconds is:
A) Do what you always do.
B) Refer to answer A.
12) The thing that makes the average male incredibly horny is:
A) A sheep dressed by Frederick's of Hooterville.
B) Oxygen.
C) Going without sex for 6-8 minutes.
D) Being in an oxygen tent with a sheep dressed by Frederick's of Hooterville that you haven't had sex with for 6- 8 minutes.
Scoring:
For each:
A = 5 points
B = 1.377 points
C =subtract 2.11 points
D = 0 points
E = 2,500 points
If You Scored: Between -27.43 and +2,560 points: You have too much free time. Stop taking sex quizzes and go find a friend other than your right hand.
1) The true definition of safe sex is:
A) Using a condom.
B) Having your penis laminated.
C) Dating only Janet Reno look-a-likes.
D) Rigging your waterbed with a padded headboard that serves as a flotation device (in the unlikely event of a water landing).
2) Your woman believes an enormous penis to be:
A) Very important.
B) Similar to the Loch Ness Monster; an unproven legend she believes resides deep inside some foreign body.
C) Only important in the event the Energizer Bunny stops pounding away.
D) Her preferred method for scratching a tickle in her throat, but she has switched to cough drops since meeting you.
3) The biggest myth about sex is:
A) Masturbation will make you blind.
B) (Read B again).
C) People who write sex quizzes are not sexually gifted.
D) You might actually get to experience it some day.
4) Women think that a man with huge hands:
A) Has a great chance of being picked up when hitchhiking.
B) Always gets caught in the cookie jar.
C) Never fails to start the "wave" at sporting events.
D) All of the below.
5) Your penis is so small:
A) Your condoms are often mistaken for thimbles.
B) Whenever a woman sees it, you try to convince her you used to date Lorena Bobbit.
C) You joined a coed nude water polo league hoping the icy water might help when the women compared you to the other men.
D) You pray America will switch to the metric system so you can say it's a "6."
6) Women prefer that sex be:
A) Slow and passionate.
B) Fast and rough.
C) With anyone but you.
D) All of the above.
7) The quickest way to tell if a man is lousy in bed:
A) They ask if you believe that it is possible for a woman to enjoy sex.
B) When they hear the term "French tickler," they ask what it is called if they do not speak French.
C) They call the cleaners to order G-Spot remover.
D) They take "sexual knowledge" quizzes.
8) The most popular sexual position is:
A) Missionary.
B) "69."
C) Doggie style.
D) Quarterback.
9) What is the best use for baby oil?
A) You mix it with vinegar and use it as a dressing on salads when the vegetables aren't ripe yet.
B) To silence all those annoying squeaky babies.
C) During daytime sex when the woman will actually see your face and need desperate help to become wet.
D) It should never be used because too many babies must be squeezed in order to get just one bottle.
10) It's always best to buy extra pairs of edible panties:
A) So you will have a snack for the drive home.
B) To hand out to the hot little 4-year-olds in your neighborhood when they say "trick or treat."
C) It is?
D) Mom always warned you to wear clean ones in case you are ever in an accident.
11) A guaranteed way to reach orgasm in under 10 seconds is:
A) Do what you always do.
B) Refer to answer A.
12) The thing that makes the average male incredibly horny is:
A) A sheep dressed by Frederick's of Hooterville.
B) Oxygen.
C) Going without sex for 6-8 minutes.
D) Being in an oxygen tent with a sheep dressed by Frederick's of Hooterville that you haven't had sex with for 6- 8 minutes.
Scoring:
For each:
A = 5 points
B = 1.377 points
C =subtract 2.11 points
D = 0 points
E = 2,500 points
If You Scored: Between -27.43 and +2,560 points: You have too much free time. Stop taking sex quizzes and go find a friend other than your right hand.
Friday, September 14, 2012
Class isnt about being a bitch.
I learned at my grandmothers knee that being classy wasn't being a bitch or having money or being a snob. It is about doing and saying things that are right, fair, and positive for others.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
I had just gotten back from my trip and the limo driver was late. Which was a little irritating considering how tired I was. When he finally showed up, he showed up with a trainee. Great . Just what I wanted to deal with. I got into the car and we went down the road and sure enough we came up on stopped traffic. A 15 car pile up with a tanker rolled had just happened. It would be hours to get through. Luckily the driver knew another way around. So through the boonies we went. Then the transmission in the limo just died. Talk about bad luck. The car was running, but it wouldnt go any where. The only air conditioning that was working was in the back of the car with me. It would be 2 hours for another car to show up. It would be another 2 hours before a tow truck would show up. I was seriously upset by this point, but even so, I behaved as a lady and invited to two drivers into the back with me to keep cool.
Both men were well built and I needed to let off some steam. I looked at the driver and told him to let me see his cock. His look was comical at first but then he did as I asked. Luckily he had a nice fat cock that I went to work on with delight. After a minute or two I looked up from my treat and his moans of pleasure to look over at the other driver. I asked him why he hadn’t gotten to work tasting my pussy. I pulled up my skirt and then went back to enjoying his co workers cock. He got the idea quickly and I found out his tongue was quite talented.
I spent the next couple hours enjoying those men and I can assure you with as much cum I had swallowed and still had in my cunt I know they enjoyed our time together.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
The chocolates arrived with out a card. The giant teddy bear was delivered with a big red bow. Then he showed up with two dozen American red beauties. I love it when a man knows just the right things to get my attention! Our table at the restaurant was in the corner with just the right lighting. I slipped my hand under the table and found his cock. Then I slipped down under the table and began sucking his cock hard. The waiter came and my date ordered our food with a cough and grin. I finished my appetizer quickly and found my seat again. I pulled my mirror compact out to check my lipstick. With a grin I licked the last drop of his cum off my chin. When a man knows how to treat me like a lady.....I show him a classy whore.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Feather touch.....
So I was enjoying my drink and the sun bath I was taking when a shadow crossed over me blocking my sunlight. I looked up and it was a large man who wasn't handsome or built, but he wasnt ugly either. He was pretty ordinary truth be told, all but for his size. 6'6" easily and probably about 250. He tried chatting me up, but I just wasn't interested. I never have been into large men. I wish I had paid him more attention now.
Later that evening I was getting a drink at the bar and a overly aggressive creep was pushing his luck. He was one of those who knew he looked good and thought I should fall on my feet grateful for his attention. I couldn't get him to leave me alone and when he grabbed my wrist I thought it would get very ugly very fast. Then the giant man slid in between me and the creep, removing his grip on my wrist with his massive hand. With a huge smile at his opportunity, he smiled down at me and asked me to dance. Creepy boy didn't even try to push his luck further. Surprisingly my giant man was light on his feet and mine thankfully! We danced a few times and I found him to be extremely charming in a clumsy way.
I felt his erection pressing into my stomach and knew he wanted me. The way he held me was respectful and protective but.....with a hard on like that, I knew he wanted more then to just dance with me. I was horny too, so I decided that I would take him to my bed.
We had fucked several times when I dozed off to sleep. I felt like a baby doll next to him. It was incredible felling so feminine and tiny while he fucked me. The sex wasn't off the charts, but it was fun. Then I woke up and I was tied up! I was stretched across my hotel room bed naked. Each limb pulled to each corner of the bed. My legs had more free play, but my arms were restrained tightly. To top things off I was blind folded. I was pissed! How dare he do this with out my permission. Then before I could cuss him out I felt the feather touch my body. There was music softly playing in the back ground and I could smell the salty sea air filtering in the french doors off the balcony. The feathers traced my face, my throat, down my body and around again. Slowly and deliberately he caressed me with a soft eroticism that I had rarely experienced. He went on for ages like this. Going all over my body making me wet and needy. He paid attention to my nipples and the inside of my thighs, teasing me with wanting more. I needed more. Then he began to follow the feather with his tongue. I lay there helpless to his assault. I wanted more. I demanded more and still he continued to tease my body. He had me begging to be fucked before he finally fucked me harder then I imagined I could take from him. Restrained I couldn't make him do anything. I had to wait for his pleasure. When he finally forced his cock into me I screamed out with a wild abandon. I came repeatedly around his cock. My pussy milked his dick and still he fucked me harder. He became animalistic. He fucked me until I was horse and was begging for more. I was whimpering with my pleasure when he filled my cunt with the largest load I have ever had. I lay there trembling with exhaustion and euphoria.
When I woke up I found myself alone. He had gone. I looked for him over the next few days and never saw him again. Still, every time I see feathers I quiver thinking of how he fucked me and the pleasure I had that night.
Later that evening I was getting a drink at the bar and a overly aggressive creep was pushing his luck. He was one of those who knew he looked good and thought I should fall on my feet grateful for his attention. I couldn't get him to leave me alone and when he grabbed my wrist I thought it would get very ugly very fast. Then the giant man slid in between me and the creep, removing his grip on my wrist with his massive hand. With a huge smile at his opportunity, he smiled down at me and asked me to dance. Creepy boy didn't even try to push his luck further. Surprisingly my giant man was light on his feet and mine thankfully! We danced a few times and I found him to be extremely charming in a clumsy way.
I felt his erection pressing into my stomach and knew he wanted me. The way he held me was respectful and protective but.....with a hard on like that, I knew he wanted more then to just dance with me. I was horny too, so I decided that I would take him to my bed.
We had fucked several times when I dozed off to sleep. I felt like a baby doll next to him. It was incredible felling so feminine and tiny while he fucked me. The sex wasn't off the charts, but it was fun. Then I woke up and I was tied up! I was stretched across my hotel room bed naked. Each limb pulled to each corner of the bed. My legs had more free play, but my arms were restrained tightly. To top things off I was blind folded. I was pissed! How dare he do this with out my permission. Then before I could cuss him out I felt the feather touch my body. There was music softly playing in the back ground and I could smell the salty sea air filtering in the french doors off the balcony. The feathers traced my face, my throat, down my body and around again. Slowly and deliberately he caressed me with a soft eroticism that I had rarely experienced. He went on for ages like this. Going all over my body making me wet and needy. He paid attention to my nipples and the inside of my thighs, teasing me with wanting more. I needed more. Then he began to follow the feather with his tongue. I lay there helpless to his assault. I wanted more. I demanded more and still he continued to tease my body. He had me begging to be fucked before he finally fucked me harder then I imagined I could take from him. Restrained I couldn't make him do anything. I had to wait for his pleasure. When he finally forced his cock into me I screamed out with a wild abandon. I came repeatedly around his cock. My pussy milked his dick and still he fucked me harder. He became animalistic. He fucked me until I was horse and was begging for more. I was whimpering with my pleasure when he filled my cunt with the largest load I have ever had. I lay there trembling with exhaustion and euphoria.
When I woke up I found myself alone. He had gone. I looked for him over the next few days and never saw him again. Still, every time I see feathers I quiver thinking of how he fucked me and the pleasure I had that night.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
The Classy Whore
Whores can be classy too. I suck only the finest cocks with the best
loads. Treat me like a lady and you will experience the finest whore. I speak well and am intelligent. I can articulate various subjects and not look like I am a buffoon. I dress well and am well groomed at all times. Still......with all this, I love to fuck. I love to suck too. I love men and women. Sexual encounters are important to my happiness in life. I believe sex is the spice of life and I plan on being rich in spice!
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